What If Your Sins Showed?

When I was in college, a roommate of mine related a story that has stuck with me for years.

She told me of a young Mormon woman who could no longer attend her youth group at church because she had become pregnant. As she waddled into the Relief Society room, being led by her rounded belly, the women started to whisper to each other. Upon overhearing the mutterings of her associates, an older woman said, “I wonder how big my belly would be if all of my sins showed.”

Even when I considered myself Mormon, I remember thinking, “Well, I don’t do anything that bad. So my tummy would be a little pooched, but not pregnant-big.”

Or is it because I hid my sins so well that I could not be adequately shamed for them?

After all, I did cuss a little. I did feel jealousy. I had quite a temper. I had many lustful thoughts. I gossiped. I overate at times. I underrate at other times. I shared a cigarette with a friend in a parking lot just to see what it was like. There were times when I was angry at God and would refuse to pray. There were nights when I fell asleep while reading my scriptures, or I had hastily only read one so I could technically fulfill the requirement so I could go to sleep without any nagging guilt.

Once I had gone through the temple, my sins multiplied. Add to those above with loud laughter, light-mindedness, and a bit of unwillingness to give every single thing I had to the church, along with a resentment toward full-body underwear and a reluctance to pay hefty tithing checks when we were already losing our home and heavily in debt to credit card companies.

Adding everything up, I’d have the tummy of a mama pregnant with triplets, I’m sure. But since my sins fell into the “everyday” category, I’d vent to my friends, we’d assure each other that we are “normal” and then vow to do better.

It was just that easy.

No one was sitting across the table from me reminding me that my life was not in keeping with the church’s standards and it may affect my children’s ability to be baptized. That if I didn’t clean up, they would have to move out and disavow me in writing before they could receive any saving ordinances.

Now, look, here is where you’re going to tune me out, because here is where I tell you that I am not Mormon. You’ll close this window, won’t you? Because I don’t know what I’m talking about, right?

Except that I lived it and loved it. I lived it fully, to the brink of exhaustion, for 34 years. And I loved it. I. Loved. It. All of it. And, yes, I was one of those Mormons who promised to avoid all light-mindedness and loud laughter, only to drive home listening to stand-up comics who made me laugh so hard our airbags should have deployed from the reverberations.

Oh, that sin doesn’t count. That covenant doesn’t matter.

Why not?

Because it’s ridiculous? You can’t help but laugh loudly sometimes! It’s just something that happens!

Okay. That makes sense. And that’s fair. But I still made a covenant. And I still broke it. Multiple times a day. And – even worse – I’d return to the temple to remind myself of the covenant only to immediately dismiss it.

But let’s look at sins that do show. Let’s look at covenants that we break that actually do a great deal of harm.

The Word of Wisdom requires moderation in all things, even beer. (Sweet!) But, no, not beer. Beer is bad. So ignore that. But we’re required to be good to our bodies, eat healthily, be active, treat our bodies like temples.

What about weight gain in fat? That’s a pretty showy sin, no? I mean, I can look at myself and say, “Oi, I cannot see my six pack right now. Something has gone terribly wrong! Everyone can see it! Everyone will know I’ve sinned, I’ve indulged, I’ve taken the easy road, I’ve given in to temptation. Dammit. I’m so ashamed.”

But we don’t talk that way. So let’s have the conversation anyway. Let’s talk about body fat!

Oh, we shouldn’t talk about that because it might hurt people’s feelings. Because some people can’t help but be fat. It’s a “gland thing.”

Interesting. But it’s an appetite thing, too, isn’t it? It’s an appetite that is more difficult for some to control than others. So we shouldn’t condemn those who don’t take steps to control that appetite? Why not?

Because it’s different!

How? It’s an urge, a physical and natural urge to be hungry. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Right?

Right. You get it.

But they overindulge. That dude right there could lose 20 pounds, couldn’t he? I mean, he’s being awfully open about not eating cleanly. He’s got to be more ashamed of himself. He’s clearly got some weight to lose.

Yeah, he could lose a bit. Eating doesn’t seem to be a huge problem. He can just cut back a little.

That dude over there could lose 150 pounds. Wow. He’s a big dude. I should go through his cupboards. That would likely save his life. And think of the money he’d save! No more high healthcare costs, no more junk food, no more extra large clothing. Maybe we should restrict his church privileges until he treats his body better. It would be for his good.

That’s not fair. He might have a physiological issue? A food addiction? Some sort of psychological problem that makes him use food as comfort?

Ah, interesting. What if we told him his kids couldn’t be baptized? I mean, he’s openly living an unhealthy life. We can’t have people thinking we support that kind of thing in any way. And we all know – through science – that children who have overweight parents will likely be overweight too.

True, but it’s not as bad as some other sins.

How so? Doesn’t the chemical makeup of one’s body affect their thoughts, their emotions, their energy level, their ability to move and serve, their ability to financially support their families and pay tithing? Obesity can even cause depression! Imagine how much better off everyone would be if this person were fit and thin.

But that’s just not fair. People can’t help how they’re built.

They can’t? Why not? If they have the faith necessary and they work hard enough, they can be super shredded. We hear stories like that all the time. These people are just feeding their appetites and they’re not controlling themselves. That’s gluttony. That’s not only a sin, but a deadly one at that.

It’s not the same thing.

Okay, let’s change course. You said these people have appetites they can’t control.

Right.

Like drug addicts?

In a sense.

Can drug addicts and alcoholics have their children baptized? Even though studies show that the children of drug addicts and alcoholics are far more likely to have drug abuse problems?

The church would only be good for those children.

Do the children have to openly condemn their parents?

No, because obviously drugs and alcohol are harmful.

And the church doesn’t shy away from talking about those things being bad for fear of making their children look down on their parents, right? And those children aren’t excluded from things because of the possibility of that doctrine conflicting with their love and respect for their parents, right?

Right.

So drug and alcohol addiction are bad. So is porn addiction. Very bad. And so is overeating?

*sigh* What’s your point?

Bear with me. You’re saying that some people have physiological urges that they cannot be held responsible for. And they live with these conditions, some rather openly, in front of their children. And some of these physiological conditions directly harm the children in that home. It directly affects their health – emotional, physical and spiritual.

Yes. But the church can give them good influences and help them rise beyond that circumstance through faith and discipline and the making of covenants.

How? Does the church body shame people?

No.

Why not? Why don’t they get up at the pulpit and preach the BMI?

I don’t know.

Is it not important?

Not as important as other things, I guess.

So there are some sins that are worse than others?

Yes.

I mean, sinning is sinning. And sinning is anything that brings you away from God. Right?

Right.

Like loud laughter?

What? That’s ridiculous.

Is it? It’s a covenant.

Well, that one doesn’t make sense. Everybody laughs loudly. Even at church.

So if everybody does it, it ceases to be a sin?

Well, no.

So if everyone is fat, we can’t talk about how unhealthy it is to be fat? It’s just that if the sin is rare that it’s awful?

Ummmm, I don’t think so. I don’t really know.

And being gay?

What about it?

Is that physiological urge?

Yes, I suppose.

Is it contagious?

What? No. That’s ridiculous. But it is a choice.

Really? Did you choose to be straight?

I guess.

When?

Um, well, maybe I didn’t.

Can I convince you to be gay? If I talk long enough or maybe get you drunk, can I make you or anyone else gay?

No. I had gay friends in high school and my aunt’s openly gay, and it didn’t affect me.

Okay, so we can agree that other parental influences can be damaging for children almost immediately, but gayness isn’t something that manifests in a majority of children brought up by gay parents?

I haven’t seen anything that suggests that, no.

Does it do emotional, physical and spiritual harm to children?

We don’t really know yet. But it’s dangerous to mess with the nucleic family.

Kind of like divorce, single parenting, abuse….

You’re justifying bad behavior with more bad behavior.

No, you’re right. I get that. I do. And it’s important to have “ideals” in a society, something everyone should aim for. I truly understand that notion and I respect it. But at some point, we all have to look around and say, “Okay, here we are. What now?” Because Mormons aren’t in charge. They aren’t. So society will shift and things will change because that’s the nature of human beings. And we have to look at change and assess where we are and figure out how to move forward.

Yeah, that’s for sure.

So, we should punish and exclude those children who have a parent (or both parents) in a same sex relationship?

What? No. It has nothing to do with them. They shouldn’t be singled out and excluded. Kids all want to belong and feel needed.

So, it seems that because addiction is hidden, it’s more acceptable. But because same sex relationships are obvious, and a minority are participating in them, it’s less acceptable.

I don’t know. Maybe.

But studies agree, though, that it’s more immediately harmful for a child to live in a home with alcohol and substance abuse, or food addiction than it is to have them live with parents in a same sex relationship?

As far as we know.

And the church only helps the children of substance/food addiction by including them and loving them and helping them progress as any other Mormon child could? And with the permission of the child’s parents, the child can be blessed, baptized, ordained and otherwise play a role in the church?

I think so, yes. Absolutely. But, to be fair, those people are doing the best that they can to quit.

You'd hope that's true. But not always.

Same sex couples, they're living in open defiance. 

Maybe, they're doing the best that they can. Maybe this is the only way they can survive. And, maybe, yes they are open about it. With one "sin," yes. Just one. One "sin" that almost killed many of them. And how many have you justified with me here? How many are okay because they don't show? How many are a non-issue because everyone does them? 

*no answer*

Okay. Just checking.